political comedy satire UNWHOLLY WARRIORS“Attack of the Info-tainment Circus”
UNWHOLLY WARRIORS
(A politically incorrect, apolitical, political comedy satire)
Rosmah Mansor’s statement that the tsunami was a lesson to the Japanese government for not heeding environmental issues and climate changes in the nation’s development was slammed by Ampang MP Zuraida Kamaruddin as "shallow and shameful".
She should apologise to the people and government of Japan for her insensitive comment, and to Malaysians for embarrassing Malaysia, said Zuraida in a press statement on Wednesday.
“Her statement is very shameful and contradictory to her image as having assisted diplomatic relations with other countries as ‘First Lady’,” said Zuraida.
The 60-year old Rosmah is the wife of Prime Minister Najib Razak. In the aftermath of the Japan quake, she was asked for her comments on national television.
The local Awani news channel aired her cooments which became a major news topic nationally and internationally. Even CNN aired the clip. It has also become a hot debate topic on social networking sites Facebook and Twitter.
“To me, this is a lesson to other countries, that in everything they do or in whatever development they plan, they should study the surrounding environment and connect it with climate change and green technology," were Rosmah's by-now infamous comments captured on TV for posterity.
The remarks are also ironic as just a day ago, her husband's government insisted on going through with plans to build two high-cost nuclear power plants despite widespread public unease and objection.
A lack of humility and humanity
Zuraida, who is also head of the PKR Women's wing, reminded Malaysians that when the 2004 tsunami struck Penang, Japan had been one of the first countries to offer assistance.
She urged Rosmah to remember good deeds and not be an ingrate, insensitive to the plight of the Japanese people who have earned world praise for their courage in facing the massive devastation.
According to Zuraida, the incident which struck Japan was an act of God and no planning in the world could forestall natural disasters of such force.
“This incident shows that she is not qualified to represent the voice of Malaysian women and how unfit she is to carry the title of First Lady of Malaysia (FLOM),” said Zuraida.
Rosmah’s comments come as a second blow to Malaysia’s reputation for tact and good neigbourliness. The first was the controversial cartoon released by Berita Harian showing Japanese super-hero Ultraman running away from a huge tsuname wave, said Zuraida.
So far, the Malay-language newspaper has tendered a public apology on its front page to the Japanese people and all readers.
Regrettable, the wife of Malayisa's current prime minister has failed to exhibit the same humility and humanity.
Scene II“Attack of the Info-tainment Circus”
NARRATOR
The scene begins in a gaudy, over lit news studio with several Hi definition cameras and lights (Made in Japan) focused on a mahogany news desk and an overpriced red, white and blue, firm, patriotic and potent,ergonomic chair (Made in Singapore). There is a mug, a manly mug, (Made in Bangladesh) with “NO BULL” written in Ivory white letters on a blue and red cup. The fertile American flag (Made in Mexico) is shimmering behind the news desk either via a digital screen or an actual hanging flag. There is 1 ergonomic, main anchor’s chair, which is sturdy chair made by and for MANLY men and not girly-sissy boys. To the left of this main, manly anchor chair, there are 5 girly-sissy boy, non-ergonomic chairs made by and for unmanly, girly-sissy boy men.
The highly melodramatic and pompous theme song to “No BULL Zone with Bull ‘Bob’ Riley” blares as the lights slowly illuminate the stage. A mighty bull roar is heard. ROAR. The Announcer gloats - “And now its time for the NO BULL ZONE. Only the most pressing, urgent matters of national news are discussed in a fair, respectful, professional and balanced manner!” A Mighty bull Roar is heard again. ROAR
And now, here’s your host…BULL RILEY!
(Suddenly “Zombie Nation” the sports anthem played at every sporting event is heard blasting through the speakers. Bull explodes from behind the curtains like a theatrical, egotistical superstar with his hands in the air waving to the crowd. He gives audience members high fives. He pumps his chest, chin up, and struts and dances about the floor and then on the stage. He poses a couple of times like GQ magazine cover stars and blows kisses to the air.)
BULL
The Shiite has hit the fan in I-rack![1] Not so, according to The White House which openly rejected the notion that I-rack is near a total civil war between
the Sunny’s (Deliberately mispronounced) and Shee-ites![2] But according to your beloved Bull Riley (Points to himself) the No Bull Zone says “The Shiite has hit the fan in America” and we are mad as hell, and we’re not gonna take it anymore![3]
NARRATOR
The studio screen cues the “applause and whooping” sign for the live audience. (NARRATOR look at audience) This where you, the audience, yes you, applaud and whoop. (Wait for some applauding and whooping). There is also a ‘Yeehaw’ heard in the background. (Yee-haw!)
BULL
First –if you’re like the Bull -
NARRATOR
There is the sound of the Mighty Bull Roar. ROAR!
BULL
- you’ve noticed some disturbing behaviors in this free, glorious, tolerant country of ours that can no longer be tolerated. Illegal immigrants and terrorists. Border hopping Frida Kahlos, Amphibian Dr. Zhivagos, Stow Away Charlie Chans, Underwater Ann Trans, Aerodynamic Osama Bin Ladens, Magic Carpet Aladdins and other ethnic undesirables. Aliens, ladies and gentlemen. Illegal aliens using illegal immigration to cover deadly illegal
immigrant terrorists.[4] To discuss these E.T., extra-terrestrial terrorists soiling our very own pure, pristine, fertile unsoiled American backyard, we welcome 5 distinguished darki- excuse me minoriti –I meant– members of the Moslem, Mexican, Middle Eastern, and “The White is Right” communities.
NARRATOR
Stage left is now illuminated and 5 members of the infotainment circus are trotted out one by one…
BULL
We have Izod Mangee, a feminist liberal lesbian Muslim South Asian refusenik pop culture scholar –author of the best selling bold and original “Failure of Islam” and also author of the incendiary “Die Darkman Die” Trilogy, with its scorching sequel, “Die Darkman Die II: Darkman Die Harder,”[5] and the recent best seller “Die Darkman Die III: Why won’t you die, Darkman? Please Die. For the love of God, just die. Seriously. Please. Just Die.” (Looks to IZOD and sincerely says -) Very subtle.
(Izod comes in to the song “Raining Men” and makes an entrance.)
NARRATOR
Izod rips the flag of a poster that says “Man” on it.
BULL
Next up, a man capable of producing Satanic Verses – the Ayatollah Khomeini’s favorite, most bestest author (chuckles to himself), the fatwah-tastic fantastic author-in-hiding Saleem Rush-to-die making a rare public appearance – “shhh don’t tell Iran” – to promote his new books “I is for Infidel,” P is for Pagan” and “H is for Heathen.”[6]
(He walks into “Magic Carpet Ride.” )
NARRATOR
Rushtodie becomes enraged and rips Iran’s flag.
BULL
The noted civil libertarian and human rights lawyer, Alan Doochawitz, promoting his new brilliant book – “Torture: It’s what’s for dinner, biiiitches,” which is a compassionate, humane plea for the “legal” torture of terrorism suspects[7] -
(Dooch walks into “Crazy” by Gnarls Barkley.)
NARRATOR
Dooch becomes enraged and rips the Universal Declarations of Human Rights.
BULL
…and we’re lucky to have Ward Chavez author of “Assimilate NOW! Abstaining from Mexifornicating”(Chavez comes in to “Oye como va”)
NARRATOR
Chavez rips a picture of a burrito in half…And then he eats it.
BULL
….and the superstar of the evening, John Yu Kazuo, whose last name “Kazuo” means a “Man of Peace”! Here to promote his new book “Defending Internment!” (Kazu comes in like a rockstar, down the aisles, posing and giving high fives. He struts to “Kung Fu.”)
NARRATOR
He rips the photo of Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. Then he composes himself and looks in the camera and says –
KAZUO
I am Kazuo….a Man of Peace.
BULL
And finally – (rolls eyes and annoyed) from the whiners known as the Civil Liberties Coalition[8], we have Saddam Hussein Osama Bin Ladin Noriega Syria–
(He comes in to “Loser” by Beck.)
EMANON
That’s NOT my name. My name is Sala-Ema[9] -
BULL
Right, Obama.
EMANON
Sala-
BULL
Gotcha Ayatollah[10]. Who will whine, whine, whine usual like a flaming pansy pussy boy about civil liberties and amendmen-shmamendments and all that retarded commie pinko nonsense. You are all now in the NO BULL ZONE.
NARRATOR
A Mighty Bull Roar is heard. ROAR!
BULL
First up –Islam. (Pause) What went wrong?[11] Now I know not all Muslims are terrorists, no, no, no… but all terrorists are Muslims![12] Don’t you agree, Izod?
IZOD
Absolutely 100% I totally agree –
RUSHTODIE
(Eagerly butts in)
In complete agreement, Bull. What you said is spot on, in my book –
IZOD
(Cutting him off)
In my book – “The Failure of Islam” -
BULL
Brilliant, by the way -
CHAVEZ
In my book – Assimilate NOW!
BULL
Double brilliant!
DOOCHAWITZ
“Torture, it’s what’s for dinner, biiiitches!”
BULL
Touché!
KAZUO
Defending Internment! Yeah!
BULL
Double Touche!
EMANON
IRA, Tamil Tigers, Stern gang – all examples of non – Muslim terrori[13] –
BULL
(Rushtodie seethes at Izod. Izod returns it with smug smile plastered on her face.)
IZOD
I achingly searched my soul as a lesbian, feminist, liberal, born again refusenik,[16] non threatening, non practicing, aesthetically pleasing, Muslim South Asian, modernist, pro-woman woman to inquire why all the terrorists are Muslims –
BULL
And are all Muslims terrorists?
EMANON
Whoa, easy there, how can you broadly generalize 1.4 billion Muslims in[17] –
CHAVEZ
Assimilate now!
BULL
THIS IS the no BULL zone, Khaddafi[18]. Strike 2–
EMANON
It’s Sala –
BULL
Enough, Sally. Let the lady speak. In our culture, we let women have a voice-
IZOD
Thank you Bull I apprec –
BULL
(Puts hand quickly in front of her face and muffles her voice)
And let me tell you, the No Bull Zone is a No broadly generalize zone, either. I’ve been to Africa, Ching Chong China, Wacky Paki Pakistan, Meck-ee-ko and heathen continents 3 times, all right, Siegfried and Roy? You just can’t bring Western reasoning into all “their” cultures. The same way you can’t bring it into fundamental Islam.”[19]
CHAVEZ
Assimilate NOW!
IZOD
(Sharp rebuke) Wait your goddamn turn, Chavez!
BULL
The No Bull Zone is also a NO blas-pher-mer-size zone!
IZOD
(Meekly and slavishly) Apologies for blas-pher-mer-sizing.
BULL
Goddamn right!
RUSHTODIE
(Whiny, girly voice making fun of his opponent) “Apologies for blasphermersizing.” (Points at her and cackles) Hahahaha.
IZOD
(Slaps his finger down) Not all of us are lucky to ride a fatwah for the rest of our career?[20]
BULL
Saucy!
RUSHTODIE
You’re just jealous you haven’t got one yet[21]
BULL
Counter-Saucy!
NARRATOR
“Wa-toosh” makes a whip cracking noise and gesture with his hand cracking an Indy Jones whip. In the meantime, Rushtodie and IZOD have begun fighting with each other like little children.
BULL
Ah, Divide and Conquer. Exxxcellent. “Fortunately, there will never be Islamic unity”[22]. I think it might be a good idea to convert all these heathens (Points to Izod and Rushtodie and Chavez and Emanon) to Christianity; it’s a better hobby for them than slaughtering infidels, and cheering and dancing like homicidal maniacs. [23] (Now directly facing the camera/audience.) Speaking of maniacs, this brings me to this week’s so-called “scandals” and the pansy media “mania” complaining about warrantless spying and anti immigration and terrorism measures. Listen, I think the government should be spying on all A-rabs, Moslems, immigrants, Mexicans, Underage College Sorority girls, Game show hosts, big breasted women, Chinese restaurant waiters, Chia Pets, circus clowns, liberal college professors, black sports players, Black Stallions, Black Russians, White Russians – heck – All Russians (Looks directly in the camera now) ‘cause you can never be too sure, and finally- big breasted women – if you ask me. We should be engaging in torture as a televised spectator sport – anddropping daisy cutters, Playboys, extra strength deodorants, shampoo and American flags wantonly through out the Middle East, and git-git-git Pinkos, winos, and protestors to the Gitmo G- Unit.”[24] But let me guess “boo hoo woo woo.” (Looking at Emanon.)
EMANON
First, a state of war is not a blank check for the President and his administration to trample on a citizen’s constitutional rights.
DOOCHAWITZ
I’ll write a blank check to trample on you, citizen boy!
EMANON
(Looks utterly confused by the previous comment and composes himself) Second, 14 of the nation’s top constitutional scholars agree that the NSA spying program appears on its face to violate existing law[26]. It bypasses the fundamental requirement of needing probable cause for a search and seizure, and obtaining a warrant from the FISA court[27] –
CHAVEZ
Bullshit court! (Then quietly under his breath -) Assimilate now!
BULL
Ring Ring. Ring Ring. (Holds up a fake telephone to his ear.)
(Emanon is perplexed. Just stares at Bull. Then left and right at confused guests. Looks forward at audience/camera.)
EMANON
Uh – I…don’t understand. What? I –
NARRATOR
Flustered and impatient, Bull mimes the existence of a “phone” in front of Emanon and picks up the “imaginary” receiver. Emanon “gets it,” and he hesitantly picks up the phone.
BULL
Ring Ring. Ring Ring.
EMANON
Oh, Ok, I get it. Strange. Um, Uh, Hello?
BULL
Salaams. Knock Knock.
EMANON
Salaams. Uh, (Concerned Pause) who’s there?
BULL
Osama.
EMANON
Osama, (Takes a second or two) Who?
BULL
O-sama…. IM GONNA BLOW UP YO’ MOMMA! (Shouts into imaginary phone. Spit shower covers most of the guests. Bull is red in the face and he’s steamed.) “What are we supposed to do if Osama bin Frikkin’ laden calls the United States? If Osama calls America, should we listen in or worry about his civil liberties?”[28] Can you nutheads please “stop stripping the Presidency of its Constitutional authority to defend America?”[29]
EMANON
Defending America does not allow powerful men and women to make a mockery of the Constitution and existing laws. We have the FISA court–
CHAVEZ
(Pretends to cough to muffle what he’s about to say, very similar to what elementary school kids do) Bullshit court! Ahem. Cough. Cough. Assimilate now!
BULL
(Puts hand in front of Emanon’s face and looks away disgusted. The other hand’s index finger rapidly points to Doochawitz.) Dooch, drop knowledge like a hot SCUD missile on Saddam over here.
DOOCHAWITZ
As a respected civil libertarian, human rights advocate and esteemed law professor, I agree with recently appointed Assistant Attorney General John Yu Kazuo, a sterling Chinaman Jap of the highest order -
BULL
Out of order, Doochawitz!!
EMANON
You’re out of order!
IZOD
I hold you in contempt!
DOOCHAWITZ
Objection, your Honor!
RUSHTODIE
Overruled!
BULL
Sustained! Chinaman Jap is NOT a socially acceptable legal term of art!
KAZUO
(Sheepishly offers his own opine) I, honestly, don’t mind. I am, after all, …a “Man of Peace.”
BULL
The jury will disregard Dooch and Kazuo’s previous comments. Strike that politically incorrect rhetoric from the record. (Looking at the camera) Dear Jury, follow these instructions instead. They (Points to Kazuo)prefer being called Jap or Jackie Chan (Kazuo acquiesces and nods his head)– it’s more economic and easier on the ears. God bless that John Yu Kazuo. What a brilliant and bold Jackie Chan!
MANGEE
A brilliant, bold, and brave Jackie Chan.
RUSHTODIE
A brilliant, bold, brave, intellectually erect Jackie Chan!
DOOCHAWITZ
A brilliant, bold, brave, intellectually erect and potent Jackie Chan!
CHAVEZ
Assimilat – ed….
KAZUO
Suc-cess-fully!
EMANON
How can you (Looks with disbelief to Kazuo) and you (Looks with anger at Bull) condone such blatant, shameless racism and prejudice on your show, BULL?
BULL
I am NOT racist and prejudiced, you traitorous Benedict Arnold! I love Japs!
KAZUO
(From the monitor)
I feel your pain, brother. I feel your pain.
BULL
Thank you, Jackie Chan, thank you. Like I said I am NO racist! I love the Oriental Tulips, the Middle Eastern Sunflowers, The Darkie Daisies, The Jasmines from Disney’s Aladdin, The Ebony Queens, Apu’s wife from the Simpsons, and The Spicy Chiquita Bananas!! (There is an awkward silence and sheepish glances exchanged by all the members). Hell, my last girlfriend, before I was married of course, was an ASIAN CHICK! (High Fives Dooch and Rushtodie…and even Izod) I am no oppressor! In fact, I’m the victim! I have been clinically diagnosed as suffering from – (takes a pause and gasps) Yellow fever!
KAZUO
(Consolingly) Have no shame, brother. Have no shame. I, too, like you, once suffered from this same disease –this fever –this yellow fever. After my recent Amazon.com best selling book, my promotion to Assistant Attorney General, and newfound fame I, too, have finally nabbed me a Unicorn – excuse me –I meant my SeaBiscuit, my Pegasus, I mean The Greatest Prize on Earth –ahem (Fake coughs and clears throat) –ahem- excuse me- (Clears throat) I meant my new Caucasian bride – don’t worry, don’t worry, she’s more Cauc than Asian. (Smiles).
BULL
Kim Jong, you’re a life saver
DOOCHAWITZ
Motion to continue, your honor?
BULL
Motion granted.
DOOCHAWITZ
This brilliant, bold, brave, intellectually erect, potent, titular behemoth of a Jackie Chan said the FISA court does not apply during this war against loony terrorists who don’t use deodorant and eat strange, multi-syllabic foods, because Congress doesn’t have the authority to interfere in the President’s wartime means and methods of engaging the enemy![30]
KAZUO
Those abo-litionists have abo-so-luteley no o-thority!
EMANON
Inside officials have said the administration knew their secret, illegal, surveillance program “could never meet that standard, that’s why didn’t go through” FISA courts in the first place![31] Following Kazuo’s perverted logic -
BULL
Sexy Logic!
EMANON
Twisted logic! A wartime President can do anything he wants! This dangerous precedent, if not immediately remedied, can “lie around like a loaded gun, able to be used indefinitely for any future occupant!”[32]
BULL
I wish I had a loaded gun right now!
DOOCHWATIZ
Oh, what a coinci-dink! I’ve got a gun right here. (Doochawitz, getting into the mime game, pulls out a fake gun from his coat.)
KAZUO
Let me load that gun right now. I am, after all… a man of peace.
NARRATOR
Smiles and loads the “fake mimed” gun. Hands it over to Bull, who cocks the imaginary gun, points it at Emanon and fires. Emanon pretends he is shot in his chest and Gasps! He then blows “Dirty Harry-style” the smoke from the revolver.
EMANON
Is this secrecy and unilateral exercise of immense power necessary considering that fewer than “10 US citizens or residents a year, according to an authoritative account, have aroused enough suspicion during warrantless eavesdropping to justify interception of their purely domestic calls?”[33] Why can’t the news media, journalists, and politicians muster the backbone to challenge this belligerent profiling –
BULL
Bumper Sticker for whiners. News magazines, journalists, Wireless phone taps, politicians, soldiers, torture, and unilateral wars don’t kill people — Muslims do![34]
RUSHTODIE
(Very quickly interjects almost if defending his life.) Not this secular, humanist, modernist, non-threatening, light skinned toned, non-practicing, Muslim American citizen, Bull!
NARRATOR
Points to his chest, more specifically he points to an American flag pinned on his left lapel.
RUSHTODIE
This token Muslim is tired, tired, tired of this “paranoid Darkie” that blames outsiders, infidels, heathens, politicians, news media, Hollywood, racial profiling, racism, oppressive foreign policy, Zionism, good hygiene, toothpaste, Girls Gone Wild and Brittany Spears for all their problems!
EVERYONE except EMANON and IZOD
Britney Spears! Grumblegrumblegrumblegrumblegrumblegrumble
RUSHTODIE
All of these heathens like to play – (A pause)
EVERYONE
The Blame Game!
RUSHTODIE
“Their only remedy is to close their Dark Age societies to the rival project” of a glorious enlightened modernity that is… The West[35] –
EVERYONE
The West!!!!
CHAVEZ
(Highly excited like Austin Powers) The West is the best, baby, yeah, baby, yeah! (Sober, serious face) Assimilate now!
RUSHTODIE
These Muslims – and immigrants and foreigners and Axis of Evil and generally anyone who disagrees with us, The West -
CHAVEZ
Yeah, baby, yeah! (Sobers up) Assimilate Now!
RUSHTODIE
They have a loathing of modern society in general; what with our music, godlessness, sex, big breasted women, and Girls gone wild dvd’s 2 for $9.99! Specifically, they loathe and fear the prospect their Darkie societies could be taken over by the liberal Western style way of life[36] –
CHAVEZ
The only style of life, yeah baby yeah! Assimilate now.
RUSHTODIE
They all fear (Takes a deep dramatic flamboyant shocking breath then exhales)…. West-oxi-cation![37]
(The entire guests’ panel, even Emanon, dramatically gasps in unison and raise their eyebrows in shock!)
IZOD
(Very nervous and panicked, quickly interjects a defensive, protective measure by saying -) Not me! Not me! I love the West. I’m currently intoxicated by my Westoxication!
BULL
Prove you’re America-holic, Missy-Mister-whatever.
IZOD
(Eagerly like a rookie coming off the bench.) I can prove it, master! I mean, Bull! You see, Bull, “onlywithin Islam today is literalism the mainstream. And this is dangerous” because most of us, even well educated professionals, and even sadly me sometimes due to the Islamo-fascist, patriarchal, eastern, ethnic, oppressive misogynist, die darkie, darkie darkman die virus genetically infecting my ovaries and womanhood from birth“have no clue how to debate, dissent, revise, or reform” because we 1.2 billion have not been introduced to virtues of critical thinking.”[38]
BULL
(Very sarcastically and mocking tone) Islam – it even infects your ovaries. A Middle Eastern kryptonite! Explains why the Muslim womb is a warehouse of future suicide bombers!
EMANON
Rumi the best selling poet in America today – Muslim…lived 700 years ago![39] Ibn Sina wrote the celebrated Canon of Medicine, the medical bible of “the West” for over 500 years – Muslim -
IZOD
(Completely ignoring the valid points Emanon just made.) Terrorist martyrs. Suicide bombers! Theyare the rock stars of the Muslim world!”[40] The Madonna’s of Palestine, the Elvis’s of Baghdad, the Liberace’s of Libya! The only thing they’re all missing is a Nike contract and Wheaties commercial!
RUSHTODIE
More like a Hummus commercial. Ahahahahahha.
BULL
Nice one, fruit cake. (Looks to Izod) Congratulations, sir, you’ve passed the test
CHAVEZ
Assimilation…completed! Yeah!
BULL
Darkie, tell me about your people. Yo quero Citizenship?
CHAVEZ
Like the Moslemites, the Mexican threat is a grave peril to our “porous borders”[41] that provide sanctuary and safe haven to illegal aliens and terrorists.[42] Granted, “the overwhelming majority of illegal aliens…have no connection to terrorism,” regardless, “our continued high tolerance for massive illegal immigration gives terrorists deadly cover.”[43] Like the incessant hyper fornicating turban headed Moslem terrorist immigrants with their incessant magic carpet Islamecegination, the Mexican illegals are “strengthened demographically both by natural reproduction”, as evidenced by their incessant, Telemundo Mexifornicating, “and by immigration, which reinforces their stubborn ethnic, burrito segregation – their domineering enchilada nature”[44] if you will. This is their taco world in all its guacamole “aberrations.”[45] I agree with Alfredo Gonzalvez, the good Italian Mexican American son of Italian Mexican immigrants that he is, and John Yu Kazuo, a sterling Chinaman-Jap
BULL
Jackie Chan Jap!
CHAVEZ
Sorry! A Jackie Chan Jap of the highest order, that a “virtual barrier” needs to be erected to cover “every mile of our 2,000 mile long border with Mexico.”[46] Assimilate now and forever!
IZOD
I don’t want to live in Mexifornia! (Starts sobbing)
DOOCH
Then Stop Mexifornicating and Islamiceginating!
RUSHTODIE
Say No…to Mexifornication! If you must, use protection! Choose Caucasion…or-
KAZUO
Asian! The only protection against Mexifornication!
CHAVEZ
Damnation!
BULL
Invasion! Soldiers to Battle Station!
DOOCH
Salvation!
IZOD
Emancipation!!
RUSHTODIE
Intoxication!!
CHAVEZ
Assimilation!
EMANON
Frustration! You are misleading the public. “Terrorism was not an issue in this.” This was and is an “immigration issue.”[47]
BULL
Strike 3, you’re outta the ball game, Noriega! 3 up and 3 down. End of an inning.
KAZUO
I think he’s “ticking.”
BULL
“Ticking?”
DOOCH
“Ticking like a Time Bomb!!!”[48]
NARRATOR
The entire guest panel erupts in pandemonium for about 25 seconds of rehearsed chaotic choreography of mass hysterical, hyperbolic panic. Chavez is standing while Kazuo slaps his head like a rhythmic, island, Congo drum and humming “Man of Peace a’ Man of Peace a’ Man of Peace” –
KAZUO
Man of Peace a’ Man of Peace a’ Man of Peace a’ Man of Peace –
NARRATOR
Rushtodie is HIDING in the corner whimpering like a frightened schoolgirl – “I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die.”
RUSHTODIE
“I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die.
NARRATOR
Izod becomes enraged like a South Asian feminist Hulk and can’t help but compulsively shout “Die Darkman Die,” “Die Darkman Die”!!! Doochawitz keeps obsessively repeating Ticking Timebomb Ticking Timebomb Ticking Timebomb like Dustin Hoffman from Rainman.
DOOCH
TickingTimebombTickingTimebombTickingTimebombTickingTimebombTickingTimebombTickingTimebomb -
NARRATOR
- and out of nowhere, Bull pulls a double barrel sawed off shotgun from under his desk and points it at Emanon.
BULL
All right, Al-Qaeda. It’s the showdown at the OK Corral and you’re definitely NOT O.K., so it’s time for you to show and go… down. Hand over the bomb, McVeigh.
DOOCHAWIZ
TickingTimebombTickingTimebombTickingTimebomb….
EMANON
(Very slowly as if being surrounded by LAPD cops.) It’s only a Timex watch.
BULL
I bet it tells Terror Time.
EMANON
Pacific Standard.
NARRATOR
Everyone automatically regains their composure and goes back to their seats as if nothing had happened. The change in tone and direction is swift and jarring. Very nonchalant and “oh, well, we were wrong, let’s get back to work immediately” type mentality.
BULL
Oh, well, we were wrong, let’s get back to work immediately.
DOOCHAWITZ
And this perfectly illustrates my thesis detailed in my book – “Torture, it’s what’s for Dinner, Biiiitches!” on why we need to immediately legalize and implement torture with “torture warrants”[49]! As to protect ourselves from a potential ticking terrorist immigrant who puts us in a position where we have to defend our civilians.
KAZUO
And that is the highest calling of democracy – to defend its civilians against guilty murderers that are out trying to kill our…children.”[50] (Points to Emanon as he says all of this.) As long as we can torture in a way “in which we can be proud and hold our heads up and say, yes, we did this,” then it’s acceptable.[51]
DOOCH
Mind you, “torture is bad” –bad, bad! However “some things are worse” worse, worse! “And under certain circumstances,” such as illegal alien terrorists invading our land, impregnating our women, not using deodorant, eating our grandchildren with hummus and falafels, and canceling Girls gone wild, “it may be the lesser of two evils. Because some evils are pretty evil.”[52] And torture is evil. But aliens are super evil. So we must de-evil the lesser evil of torture by leveraging its evil against the superior super evil of aliens who use ultra evil methods to engage in ludicrous amounts of ridiculousterrorist evil!!!!
EMANON
(Sarcastically) Even though torture is a federal crime under the U.S. War Crimes Act of 1996 and a grave breach of the Geneva Conventions?[53]
NARRATOR
Bull gives a nod. Izod and Rushtodie put Emanon into a sleeper and he quietly faints and slithers away in his chair.
BULL
Doochawitz, I’d kiss you on that beautiful mouth of yours that is able to produce such pretty, eloquent words, but unfortunately that would be very, very gay, so I won’t. We’ll return with the NO BULL exclusive – an Al Qaeda Sleeper cell in a sunny California town…headed by a 16 yr old, female mastermind no less? Osama’s new baby momma to be driving a SUV in your valley? The truth after this commercial break. And remember America –
EVERYONE
Torture, it’s whats for dinner…. BITCHES!
Wajahat Ali is Pakistani Muslim American who is neither a terrorist nor a saint. He is a playwright, essayist, humorist, and recent J.D. whose work, “The Domestic Crusaders,” is the first major play about Muslim Pakistani Americans living in a post 9-11 America. His blog is at http://goatmilk.wordpress.com/. He can be reached at wajahatmali@gmail.com
[1] Sean Hannity, Tuned in to America, Hannity.com, at http://www.hannity.com/ forum/ showthread.php?t=24289 (Oct. 2004). Sean Hannity, a famous Fox News pundit, creatively disrespected millions of Shiia Muslims by saying, “The Shiite hits the fan in Southern Iraq.”
[2] USA Today, U.S. R ejects idea that Iraq near Civil war, Usatoday.com,athttp://www.usatoday.com/news/washington/2006-04-10-iraq-civilwar_x.htm (Apr. 10, 2006). The United States deflecting criticism that Iraq will erupt in a civil war following the invasion.
[3] Network (MGM pictures 1976).
[4] Michelle Malkin, End Sanctuary for Illegal Immigrants, Townhall.com, athttp://www.townhall.com/opinion/ columns/michellemalkin/2002/09/13/164296.html (Sep, 13, 2002). Another gem by Malkin where she tries to connect Al-Qaeda terrorists with porous Mexican borders. This analogy tries to equate illegal immigrants with terrorism, thereby making an appeal for more stringent border patrol and security measures.
[5] Irshad Manji at http://www.muslim-refusenik.com/. The character of Izod Mangee is based on the brilliant self promoter Irshad Manji, author of “The Trouble with Islam,” and a self proclaimed lesbian feminist Muslim refusenik.
[6] BBC News, 1990: Iranian leader upholds Rushdie fatwa (Dec. 26, 1990).Salman Rushdie, author of the controversial “The Satanic Verses,” received the biggest career boost of all time with a fatwa by Khomeini himself.
[7] 60 Minutes: Legal Torture (CBS Television broadcast, Sep. 20, 2002). Alan Dershowitz, noted lawyer who defended O.J. Simpson and self proclaimed civil libertarian, has been making the rounds advocating a legal method of “torture” to extract information from potential terrorist suspects.
[8] Stop the ACLU at http://www.stoptheaclu.com/. The Civil Liberties Coalition represents The American Civil Liberties Union, a group which has a history of being maligned by politicians and interest groups seeking to quash dissent, such as Joe McCarthy during the Communist Witch Hunts.
[9] Salahuddin Ayyubi at http://www.crusades.org/salahuddin.htm. A famous historical figure and renowned “hero” in Muslim lands due to his chivalry, bravery, and piety during the Crusades. His “Christian” foil is Richard the Lionheart.
[10] Milton Vorst, Ayatollah Khomeini, Time.Com, athttp://www.time.com/ time/time100/ leaders/ profile/ khomeini.html (Apr. 13, 1998). “Bull” simply uses any popular culture Muslim or Arab to mock and deride the character of “Emanon,” whose name spelled backwards is “No Name.”
[11] Bernard Lewis, What Went Wrong, The Atlantic Monthly, athttp://www.theatlantic.com/doc/ prem/ 200201/lewis (Jan. 2002). Bernard Lewis, a non Muslim, Jewish, white historian preserved at Princeton, is the “go-to” expert on all things Middle Eastern, Muslim, or Islamic in America. The title of this article also served as a title for his similarly themed book which takes an Orientalist, generalized view of “what went wrong with the Islamic empire.”
[12] The Telegraph, Innocent religion is now a message of hate (May 9, 2004)athttp://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2004/09/05/wosse605.xml. “It is a certain fact that not all Muslims are terrorists, but it is equally certain, and exceptionally painful, that almost all terrorists are Muslims.
[13] Wikipedia, List of Terrorist Organizations at http://en.wikipedia.org/ wiki/ List_of_terrorist_organisations.The old saying goes one man’s terrorist is another man’s freedom fighter. Moreover, Wikipedia is arguably not a neutral site. Regardless, many consider Stern Gang (Israeli Jews), IRA (Irish Catholics), and Tamil Tigers (Sri Lankins) as groups that engage(d) in acts of terrorism thereby making the deadly activity universal and not solely limited to Muslims.
[14] Sarah Downey, Who Is Zacarias Moussaoui?, MSNBC.com, athttp://www.msnbc.msn.com/ id/3067363/ (Dec. 14, 2001). The verbal jab connects Emanon to the recently convicted Al-Qaeda sympathizer/co-conspirator.
[15] Three Strikes You’re Out information at http://www.threestrikes.org/. This is the draconian California legislation that prefers life imprisonment after three felonies.
[16] See source cited supra note 67.
[17] CAIR, About Islam and Muslims Americans, Cair-net.org, athttp://www.cair-net.org/default.asp?Page=aboutIslam. Currently, the data suggests there are about 1.2 billion Muslims worldwide making it the second largest religion in regards to number of adherents.
[18] President Mumar al Khadafi of Libya.
[19] Wikiquote, Bill O’Reilly, Wikiquote.org, at http://en.wikiquote.org/ wiki/ Bill_O’Reilly _
( commentator)#On_Africa. (May 6, 2002). “I’ve been to Africa three times. All right? You can’t bring Western reasoning into the culture. The same way you can’t bring it into fundamental Islam”
[20] See source cited supra note 68.
[21] Mohamed Elmasry, Islam Needs No Defense Against Manji’s Book, But Perhaps Muslims Do, Diversity Watch.Com, at http://www.diversitywatch.ryerson.ca/media/cache/manji_cic_oct10.htm (October 10, 2003).The release of Manji’s book was sensationalized in certain press media as a potential hailstorm of fatwas reminiscent of Rushdie’s “Satanic Verses” controversy. Unfortunately for Manji, she did not benefit from a global fatwa condemning her book.
[22] Islam online.net, The World Shocked at Le Pen Win (April 2002), athttp://www.islam-online.net/English/News/2002-04/22/article13.shtml. John Marie Le Pen, the outspoken, controversial and arguably racist extreme right wing President of France, once remarked, “Fortunately, there will never be Islamic unity. They’re all different from one another and hostile to each other, thank God.”
[23] Ann Coulter, Journalism: Where even the men are women, TownHall.Com, athttp://www.townhall.com/ opinion/columns/anncoulter/2003/01/02/168893.html (Jan. 2, 2003). Ann Coulter said on the Today show: “As for converting them (Muslims) to Christianity, I think it might be a good idea to get them on some sort of hobby other than slaughtering infidels. I mean, perhaps that’s the Peace Corps, perhaps it’s working for Planned Parenthood, but I’ve never seen the transforming effect of anything like Christianity.”
[24] Ann Coulter, Live and Let Spy, TownHall.Com, at http://www.townhall.com/ opinion/ columns/ anncoulter/2005/12/21/180063.html (Dec. 21, 2005). Ann coulter wrote in her column, “I have difficulty ginning up much interest in this story inasmuch as I think the government should be spying on all Arabs, engaging in torture as a televised spectator sport, dropping daisy cutters wantonly throughout the Middle East and sending liberals to Guantanamo.”
[25] Hamdi v. Rumsfeld 542 U.S. 507 (2004)
[26] Geoffrey R. Stone, Why the NSA Surveillance Program Is Unlawful, HuffingtonPost.com, athttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/geoffrey-r-stone/why-the-nsa-surveillance-_b_13522.html (Jan. 1, 2006).Fourteen constitutional scholars wrote a letter condemning the NSA surveillance program as being unconstitutional.
[27]William Banks, NSA Eavesdropping and the Fourth Amendment, Jurist: Legal News and Research, at
http://jurist.law.pitt.edu/forumy/2006/03/nsa-eavesdropping-and-fourth-amendment.php (Mar. 8, 2006). An article describing the legal problems with the NSA eavesdropping specifically related to 4th amendment enumerated rights protecting a citizen’s freedom from unreasonable search and seizures.
[28] Sean Hannity Show. (ABC. 3 Jan. 2006). Sean Hannity defended Bush during his January 3, 2006 broadcast saying that Americans should be thankful that the president was doing his job and protecting the country. “What are we supposed to do if Osama bin Laden calls the United States?” he states, and says that the president is just upholding his oath of office by protecting the nation. He ends by asking, “If Osama calls America, should we listen in or worry about his civil liberties?”
[29]The Wall Street Journal, Thank You for Wiretapping (December 20, 2005),athttp://www.opinionjournal.com/editorial/feature.html?id=110007703. However, The Wall Street Journalpraised Bush’s move and called on his critics to “please stop stripping the Presidency of its Constitutional authority to defend America.”
[30] U.S. Department of Justice, Legal Authorities Supporting the Activities of the National Security Agency Described by the President (Jan, 19, 2006) at http://www.bordc.org/resources/nsa2.pdf.
[31]Barton Gellman, Dafna Linzer and Carol D. Leonnig, ”Surveillance Net Yields Few Suspects – NSA’s Hunt for Terrorists Scrutinizes Thousands of Americans, but Most Are Later Cleared“, The Wash. Post, Feb. 5, 2006, pp. A01. “Those who devised the surveillance plan, the official said, ‘knew they could never meet that standard — that’s why they didn’t go through’” the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Court.”
[32] Bruce Fein on The Diane Rehm Show, WAMU (Dec.19 2005), athttp://www.wamu.org/ programs/dr/05/12/19.php. Fein, a former assistant attorney general deputy under Regan, said, “On its face, if President Bush is totally unapologetic and says I continue to maintain that as a war-time President I can do anything I want – I don’t need to consult any other branches – that is an impeachable offense. It’s more dangerous than Clinton’s lying under oath because it jeopardizes our democratic dispensation and civil liberties for the ages. It would set a precedent that … would lie around like a loaded gun, able to be used indefinitely for any future occupant.”
[33] See source cited supra note 94. “Fewer than 10 U.S. citizens or residents a year, according to an authoritative account, have aroused enough suspicion during warrantless eavesdropping to justify interception of their (purely) domestic calls, as well. That step still requires a warrant from a federal judge, for which the government must supply evidence of probable cause”
[34] Ann Coulter, Newsweek dissembled, Muslims dismembered!, TownHall.Com, athttp://www.townhall.com/opinion/columns/anncoulter/2005/05/18/15458.html (May 18, 2005).“Bumper sticker idea for liberals: News magazines don’t kill people, Muslims do.”
[35] Salman Rushdie, Islam and the Response to Terror, The New York Times, November 2, 2001. In an op-ed piece, Rushdie writes, “This paranoid Islam, which blames outsiders, “infidels,” for all the ills of Muslim societies, and whose proposed remedy is the closing of those societies to the rival project of modernity, is presently the fastest growing version of Islam in the world.”
[36] Id. Rushdie writes, “For a vast number of “believing” Muslim men, “Islam” stands, in a jumbled, half-examined way, not only for the fear of God — the fear more than the love, one suspects — but also for a cluster of customs, opinions and prejudices that include their dietary practices; the sequestration or near-sequestration of “their” women; the sermons delivered by their mullahs of choice; a loathing of modern society in general, riddled as it is with music, godlessness and sex; and a more particularized loathing (and fear) of the prospect that their own immediate surroundings could be taken over — “Westoxicated” — by the liberal Western-style way of life.”
[37] Id.
[38] Irshad Manji, My Faith is a Mess, Belief.Net, athttp://beliefnet.com/story/139/story_13970_1.html. In an interview, Manji generalizes the 1,400 year history and civilization of 1.2 billion Muslims with the following words: “What I am pointing out is that only within Islam today is literalism the mainstream. The reason it is mainstream is that we Muslims, even in the West, are routinely raised to believe that because the Qur’an comes after the Torah and the Bible, it is the final and therefore perfect manifesto of God’s will, not given to being interpreted or analyzed, never mind questioned. And this is dangerous because when–not if–abuse happens under the banner of our faith, most of us, including those of us who are “well-educated professionals” have no clue how to debate, dissent, revise, or reform because we have not been introduced to the virtues of critical thinking.”
[39] Kimberly Winston, Rumi: A Passionate Heart Still Beats, Beliefnet.com,athttp://www.beliefnet.com/story/79/story_7968_1.html. “Jalalu’ddin Rumi, usually referred to by his last name alone, is on his way to becoming a household name. Publishers Weekly magazine called him the best-selling poet in America.”
[40] Irshad Manji, The Sunday Times Review, Times Online, athttp://www.timesonline.co.uk/ article/0,,2092-1696968_2,00.html. Manji says in the interview, “Muslims, adds Manji, must find positive role models rather than jihadists: “Martyrs are the rock stars of the Muslim world, shown on the internet against a background of funky music. They feed on the self-esteem crisis of young Muslim.”
[41] Jonathan Weiseman and Michael Fletchers, Bush May Widen National Guard Patrols at Border, The Washington Post, May 13, 2006, pp. A01. “Administration officials are exploring ways to allow governors to deploy troops across state lines to help seal the porous border with Mexico.”
[43] Id.
[44] Brainy Quote, John Le Pen Quotes, Brainyquote.com, athttp://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/j/ jeanmarie247603.html. Le Pen’s actual quote: “They are strengthened demographically both by natural reproduction and by immigration, which reinforces their stubborn ethnic segregation, their domineering nature. This is the world of Islam in all its aberrations.”
[45] Id.
[46] Update 25: Senate OKs Border Fence, Backs Citizenship, Forbes.Com, at
http://www.forbes.com/home/ feeds/ap/2006/05/17/ap2755015.html The Senate agreed to give millions of illegal immigrants a shot at U.S. citizenship and backed construction of 370 miles of triple-layered fencing along the Mexican border…”
http://www.forbes.com/home/ feeds/ap/2006/05/17/ap2755015.html The Senate agreed to give millions of illegal immigrants a shot at U.S. citizenship and backed construction of 370 miles of triple-layered fencing along the Mexican border…”
[47] CBS News, Illegal Workers Expose Terror Gaps (Apr. 13, 2005), athttp://www.cbsnews.com/ stories/2005/ 04/13/national/main687894_page3.shtml
[48] Clive Coleman, Why ticking-bomb torture stinks, The Times, athttp://www.timesonline.co.uk/ article/0,,1072-1970538,00.html (Jan. 05, 2006). “The only democracy that has experimented with the ticking-bomb scenario is Israel. It sanctioned the use of “moderate psychological and physical force” in such cases. The experiment proved unsuccessful and illustrates an insidious danger. Torture can grow. Israel found it impossible to limit torture to the terrorist alone and ended up applying force to those it believed knew or could lead security forces to the terrorist. Eventually the Israeli Supreme Court found that the exceptional use of torture in ticking-bomb cases wasn’t working, it was an exception that was becoming commonplace and the court put an end to it.”
[49] Harvey A. Silverglate, Torture warrants?, Boston Phoenix,athttp://www.bostonphoenix.com/boston/news_ features/other_stories/multipage/documents/02042267.htm (Dec. 6, 2001). “Alan Dershowitz published an op-ed piece in the Los Angeles Times on November 8, arguing that “if we are to have torture, it should be authorized by the law” and that the authorities should be required to apply to judges for “torture warrants” in each case.”
[50] Newsmax, Dershowitz: U.S. Needs Improved Torture Tactics (May 22, 2004), athttp://email.newsmax.com/archives/ic/2004/5/22/132018.shtml. “The top legal thinker recommended that the U.S. should unabashedly tell the world that torturing high-value terrorist suspects is justified “because of the war that has been thrust upon us. As long as we do it in a way that we can be proud and hold our heads up and say, yes, we did this,” he told MSNBC. “But we have to be smart and we have to have accountability. The world’s terrorists, he said, have “put us in a position where we have to defend our civilians. And that’s the highest calling of democracy, to defend its civilians against guilty murderers that are out there trying to kill our grandchildren and kill our children…”
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